16 July, 2011
Thus far I have come
I look back to the year that began on levels below sea level
To where I am now
I am not yet at the peak of my mountain
But atleast I am not drowning
I can see where I have come from
My vision is clearer
My heart is lighter
Thus far I have come
The devil crashed me
Swayed me right left and centre
But here I stand
Not to boast of thus far I have come
But to bless God for lifting me up
He has carried me like a baby
Fed me, clothed me
Wrapped me with love
This is not my Canaan
My land of milk and honey is nigh
I am conquering cities in His name
Lord...I thank you so much
I look back without regrets
All the pain and the tears surely do count in Your presence
I claim that which is not as if it is
Faith as small as mustard you honour
Obedience that is better than sacrifice
Fresh aroma of worship belongs to you Yahweh
I can testify that because of THE GREAT I AM
I stand to witness this day.
Taste and see that my Lord is good..
......In His own timing, He worketh things for the good of those that love Him.
I am a fugitive
I keep running and running
I am scared of who I have become
I am wrecked, I am tattered
My life has cracks
My walls are completely destroyed
My temple lies in ruins
My temple is filthy
No room for the King
For how many men have walked over me
How many have had the pleasure of deflowering me
I let myself too loose
Nothing worthy about me
I am your rebound woman, your doormat, your pick-up girl
I am your second option
My reflection in the mirror kills me, haunts me
Sunday’s sermons crash me
Heard the pastor say that my body is the temple of God
And I looked at my cleavage, my miniskirt
My 6inch boots and I thought……no!!!!I carry no image of God.
I swam in alcohol for that gave me self worth
You see in my world self worth for a min is worth the minute of fame
For each morning I awake,
I find a stranger next to me
And it breaks me…
Well, I am running
Running away from an unworthy husband.
A husband who seems not to care
I find solace in the intern employee in my company
He is more caring, my daughter’s age, he has got the stamina
He knows how to rock my world
But each time I see my children
It breaks my heart to see their hope and faith in me
Yet I am a failed wife and mother
I have broken the sanctity of marriage, the confidence in myself and more so I have lost the intimacy with my Lord
I am caged
I am a prisoner of my own world
Well, I try so hard but not hard enough
I trash women like the plastic soda bottles we trash around
I am stuck in my dark cell room
I have done it all…..sex, greed, lust and women/men
I have had threesomes, foursome…..manysomes
I have masturbated,
I have attended orgies
I have changed the women like bedsheets
I have shuffled them like poker cards
I have defiled bodies, broken hearts
I have done it all
What have I left????any treasure???
My penis, my vagina….is like uhuru park
Public property where people do as they please
Or more so, Jevanjee Gardens; Uhuru Park is far well of class
Well, my heart is hurtless, cold and numb
My mind is gone
My conscious is dead!!!!
I am my own prisoner
I wanna run away from me
I want to start all over again
But how???when everyone has branded me
The devil knows me by name
I want out
Out of this misery, lifelessness,hopelessness,numbness,carelessness
LORD I WANT OUT!!!!
It is painful to be me
It is pointless attempting
For my wrecked life is like a magnet
LORD I NEED TO BE FREE
You alone can set me free
It’s been a slow fade…a lost walk in the park
Help me see that I am covered with your fingerprints Lord
Bring out the elegance, the purity, the wisdom you set in me
I am a master-piece of God
But now I am a wrecked sketchy image of me
Lord set me free
Release me from my bondages
I want life and life in abundance
I want out of this life!!!
UNCHAIN ME, I WANT TO START ALL OVER FATHER
God is the potter and we are the clay.He is never too busy, in fact He came for people like us. The drunkards, the prostitutes, the confused, the low, the wreckless….He came for you and me. I don’t care how the devil keeps reminding you of the filth, the power in Jesus’ blood is able to make us white as snow. Remember the adulterous woman caught in the act: Jesus said, let him who is without sin cast the first stone.NO ONE DID. Why??for we are all sinners. Then Christ told the woman, “Neither do I condemn you, GO AND SIN NO MORE” John 8
Here’s your chance today, in your weakness, God is your strength. Don’t try being good, that never works. We need Jesus. the name above all other names. Believe with your heart and confess with your mouth. That’s what salvation is all about.
He who has the Son, has life and he is set free!!!!That is the only way out my dear.
I found my way out of my prison, have you been freed???
Stop listening to the devil and stop running away from the truth.
Be ye separate and set free.
*I have been there and I got out…..so can you my friend.
Let’s go back to our first creator, our God!!!
Sometimes my heart speaks in tongues
Languages I cannot decode
At times it dances to the music I cannot hear
To genres I do not like
My heart skips beats,
Such skips will kill me someday
It’s a fight I cannot resist
What do I do with this thoughts of you
What do I do with my heart’s language that some find it complex
I wish there was a school for the language of love
If the wizards can have a school<well, Harry Potter messed up my reality world>
Then the language of the heart should have been researched upon, should have had a curriculum
But the most complex language has no manual
My heart would love to….
To dance with his heart…
To listen to his heart..
To lay by your heart
What would his heart do when my heart sought his
Does he recognize it’s a hunger, a craving that only him can feel
I’d love you to need me
To have you all the time
To talk to you
To stand by your side
To be one with you
I would love to…
And so much more
But, the music playing is in my world only
The genre is not his heart’s liking
Heart matters hurt.
Somebody once told me…."you are an awesome woman but I am afraid to hurt you"
So I keep dancing to my own tune
May be his heart will listen to the voice in the wind
Like the august rush movie
His heart needs to hear and see the orchestra playing
Above all he needs to feel the music.
When you feel it, you dance to it forever.
Maybe someday, I will be on the dance floor with you.
15 July, 2011
First and foremost this experience would not have been a reality had Jagdee not tagged me on an Africa Cancer Foundation picture and given me the link to apply for the volunteer position in this foundation. Thank you Jagdee aka Denis Mugambi (I know you’ll see this )
Africa Cancer Foundation was launched at Laico Regency on the 12th of July 2011 and I was part of this great vision of making Africa a cancer free continent and creating awareness and prevention as pertains to Cancer. The vision was conceived and eventually hatched before the whole world and now the growth begins. This is the real work to making a dream come true for cancer victors, Kenya and Africa.
This is not one of those cliché volunteers that you avail yourself due to joblessness or with the aim of buying time. I have lost 5 relatives to cancer and yet if you ambushed me in the street about cancer, I would have been clueless….blank like an unwritten page but not anymore.
Africa Cancer Foundation taught me great life lessons that made me a better woman and above all Knowledge is power….I too got empowered. I got to realize in my own personal way I will empower other people and in the process save a life……touch a soul…..comfort a heart…..strengthen somebody out there.
Cancer is real. Cancer is here. If you are not affected, you are infected. We are involved in one way or another. Did you know that most African females suffer from cervical and breast cancers while most men suffer from lung, prostrate, oesophagus etc. type of cancers. In every part of your body from head to toe, exists a type of cancer.
Cancer begins in cells, the building blocks that make up the tissues which make up the organs. Any abnormal activity in cell growth is usually attributed to cancer because when new cells are formed and old ones are not depleted, these extra cells can form masses of tissue called a growth or tumor. It is important to go for tests and screening once one discovers any unusual growths. The earlier the cancer is detected the faster it can be cured.
So where am I getting with all this??All these facts are on the net. In this “click” generation, we have information at our tips but what next????!!!! Here’s the way forward:
>> Let’s love our bodies and take good care of them. Eat well and exercise. Avoid the puff, it is not healthy. That puff will and is killing you slowly. Drop the alcohol too. Eat a lot of vegetables, fruits and drink lots of water.LOVE YOUR BODY!!!!You are your own caretaker
>> Take that step and go to the hospital when you notice abnormalities in your body and its functioning. Do not brush off any symptom, I know this is every Kenyan’s attitude. “Nothing is ever too serious” mentality is a no no attitude.
>> Research and read wide about cancer and do not sit on such knowledge. pass it on through your emails, over a coffee date, through blogs, tweet them etc.….You will be empowering somebody else and only through empowerment can Kenya realize its visions
>> Be that shoulder for that cancer victim or survivor. They need us through the chemotherapy, the radiology sessions, through the adverse side effects of the treatment, through the whole journey. You could be their strength….walk with them. Sometimes this is the only strength one needs.
>>Donate () to various Cancer initiatives. There is Africa Cancer Foundation http://africacancerfoundation.org Hope for the cancer kids http://hope4cancerkids.org Google them and you’ll find them. You can even offer to pay for the patients the NHIF membership subscription Ksh1920 annually.
>> Do not forget to pray for them for there is power and hope in prayer and where two or three agree on earth, so it is in heaven. Believe in prayer with them.
Thank God for his little mercies everyday and take them not for granted. Bless your God when you have no medical bills or hair falling off. bless your God when you are fit to carry on with your daily living.Thank Him.
To all the cancer victors out there, I salute you all for your strength.
The most important thing in illness is never to lose heart. ~Nikolai Lenin
I salute you Hon. Nyong’o , Tetich Sambu, Baby Alex(get well soonest), Mbugua Kamau, Doris Mayoli, Francis Kariuki, Pamela Dede, Ferdinand Mwangura among many more. I salute you all.
To all those who went to be with the Lord, you fought a good fight Aunty Mary, Aunty Lynnette, Aunty Beatrice and Uncle Herman amongst others.
I sign off in the words of Princess, a cancer victor, a young girl who speaks with so much hope and strength: “Doctors cure but God heals”
Lets kick Cancer out of Africa like we did Ebola
God bless and dare to be different.
We can because we care.
05 July, 2011
I am at that corner
That dark corner in my life
When my heart is thirsting for more
My tears are flowing
My burble has burst
My corner has been my comfort zone
My world, my small home
Until the Lord exposed me
Naked I stood between who I am and who I used to be
The battle that I refused to face
Have you ever found yourself in the right battle but the wrong battlefield??
When you have to make life changing cut throat decisions
When all your life its been about the whole world and never you
Busy restructuring broken walls
But never rebuilding your own temple?
I am not satisfied with where I am
I need to push myself
I have to lose things/ people I loved to become a better woman as God intended
I know God cares
His faithfulness, wisdom, and strength I doubt not
But I am scared of the stairway
Scared of taking the first step of the journey
I am afraid of the scorn
I am afraid of the unknown
Anyone out there dancing to this tune??
Or at least nodding ones head to this beat!!!
I am scared yet I know this is the path I must take
Its been several months of fighting the battle within
Until God had this to say:
Be still Bev and know that I am God. I am the still voice in your heart. I am the banner over your head. I hold your world in mine hands. Draw close my dear, closer than before. Closer than you have ever been. I will wrap you in my arms and you’ll come forth as gold. Pure gold Bev. Trust my wisdom through this times….Let the world scorn you, let them be separate from you…let them run…for in your solitude, you are not alone. I abide in You. Hold me close my child, and I will reveal the secrets that only kings search out.
So lord, this is my prayer …..Take me to that secret place. the places I have never been and wrap me in your arms lord…Hold me in your arms..kiss me in your arms….soothe me in your arms Lord…guide me in your arms…speak to me on your laps Lord….wrap me to the place of shelter and safety Lord….wrap me in your arms Father.
For there’s nothing as your presence Lord!!!
There are times you have to risk all it takes….the shame, pain, friends etc. to see the King. I am risking all these by following your wisdom Lord. It may not make sense to many now, but someday it will.
Wrap me in your arms Lord and never let me go Father. You are my rainbow Daddy.